


Death with Dignity

by douxpink



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood and Injury, Discrimination, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I'm bad at uploading, M/M, Needles, On the Run, Rebellion, Suffering, it's dark matter, lots of suffering, me also not knowing how to spell Apocryphos for 30 mins straight, me not knowing how to spell Lvellie for 30mins straight, vomit warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22622815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/douxpink/pseuds/douxpink
Summary: After the Order realizes Allen’s connection to the Fourteenth, the higher-ups do a piss poor job of handling the situation. This involves condemning one white-haired exorcist to a cell where he’s subject to various unethical experiments since he refuses to comply. Thankfully though, Kanda has a plan in which the exorcists break Allen out of the Order.
Relationships: Allen Walker/Everyone, Eventual Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Comments: 16
Kudos: 118





	1. The Breakout

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this idea in the works since December and because I’m trash, I upload new fics instead of finishing previous ones because I can!!!!! >:-) mwahaha I love Allen and angst so I have fun making him suffer over and over again. Anyway, enjoy!!!!!! I may turn this into a chaptered fic eventually, but for the meantime consider it a two-part intro / canon divergent fic where the exorcist gang runs away from the Order with Allen.
> 
> \+ I had a hard time trying to think of a good title for this one so I just went with the name of a song I really like by Sufjan Stevens :-) also woah it snowed today where I live and I thought I'd share since it was super fun and it rarely snows here!!!!
> 
> Anyways plz leave comments/kudos if you like hehehe

**i**

**The Breakout**

Cold, metal, blood, pain. These were the sensations that Allen felt as he lied against the cell floor. A voice spoke above him. “I can’t believe they let something so dangerous live within the Order..” it echoed off the stone walls. “If I were in charge, this thing would’ve been dead by now, that’s for sure.” 

He listened to the sound of retreating footsteps, followed by the slam of the cell door closing behind a group of CROW as they filtered into the corridor. And then a series of locks.

“Shit.. that guy’s a damn Noah. I don’t understand why they don’t just put the damn thing out of its misery already.” One of the CROW grunted, replacing another binding against the door to ensure that the prisoner couldn’t escape. 

Another CROW was busy wiping the dirt and blood from his fists with a rag, as things had gotten pretty messy moments ago; his back was resting against the corridor wall. “Quit running your mouths. What if the Noah hears you.” He made a gesture to the boy in the cell and the two CROW by the door backed away instantly, a shiver running up their spines at the thought of him going mad and attacking them.

“Good call. I know I don’t wanna be around when that thing in there finally goes berserk.” He shivered moving to stand guard at the side, keeping a good arm’s length from the cell just to be safe.

“In any case,” the CROW from before spoke, pushing off against the wall to stretch. “I should head back to Lvellie and tell him that we’ve handled things for now. It’s only a matter of time before that thing decides to cooperate, but for now, we can try and knock some sense into him.” _Quite literally at that._

The CROW nodded in understanding before turning to salute as the other walked off down the dark corridor. The candles lining the wall flickering as he passed.

* * *

It had been one whole week since Allen had taken a vow of silence, refusing to eat the food that they had sent him and not uttering a single word. This, of course, led to some unethical practices in an attempt to make the boy compliant, including various forms of beatings and injections to try and bring him to his breaking point. But as they came to understand, the beatings didn’t work as well as they’d hoped.

After hearing about this treatment, Link simply couldn’t stand by it. So, he decided that he had to take matters into his own hands. Though Link had never been the type of person who went out of their way to break the rules or act on their own accord, just this once he felt like he could make an exception. He needed to try a different approach since he couldn’t just stand idly by and allow his charge to starve to death, nor could he let the others beat him senseless when it clearly had no effect. He was sure even Lvellie would be able to understand the need for him to go around the rules a bit.

Aside from a few other CROW and Lvellie, Link was one of the select few that had been given access to Walker’s cell. And since Lvellie himself had made him responsible for supervising Walker before, it only made sense that he was allowed access to his charge whenever he needed to jot down a few notes or try and talk some sense into their ‘prisoner.’

Currently, Link was storming down the corridor to the farthest cell at the end of the hall with a steaming plate of porridge, made by Jeryy himself, in hand and on his way to one particularly stubborn Mr. Allen Walker. 

“I can handle it from here.” He dismissed the two CROW on guard duty and balanced the porridge in his left hand as he began undoing the various locks and bindings on the door.

_So tedious._. he thought in annoyance before finally unlatching the last lock.

The door to the cell creaked open slowly and he pushed it inward to find Allen resting against the wall, not even acknowledging whether or not he had heard Link enter in the first place. Link noticed a few blood spatters on the ground and he felt angry. He shoved the cell door closed behind him before storming over to hold the bowl of porridge in Allen’s face.

“Eat.” He commanded and watched as Allen blinked at the sudden gesture. He eyed the bowl cautiously before glancing up at Link.

Link sighed exasperatingly. “You haven’t eaten in days so hurry up and eat something already. It won’t do anyone any good if you die from starvation.” Link stated, placing the bowl in the boy’s lap when he made no effort to take it from him, before pulling up a stool to sit beside him. 

When Allen remained unsure, Link figured he had to ease his worries. “There’s nothing bad in it, I promise. I even watched Jeryy make the whole thing, not letting it out of my sight. So go on.” Link crossed his arms and turned to face forward in case the kid needed privacy or something, and watched out of the corner of his eye when he slowly picked up the spoon. 

Written atop the porridge in the sauce were the words, ‘EAT SHIT LVELLIE,’ along with a cheeky little smiley face drawn at the bottom. Allen smiled slightly at the comment but still made no effort to eat it. He’d made a decision days ago to no longer trust anyone from the Order and that included Link and Jeryy. Link could tell him 50 times over that his food wasn’t tainted with anything, but there was still that small sliver of doubt in the back of Allen’s mind that reminded him that everyone was against him and that he no longer had allies within the organization. So instead of indulging, he took a big whiff of the porridge, figuring I’d do him no harm to at least smell it. Plus he’d feel bad ruining such a masterpiece with his spoon anyway.

As usual, the food smelled great. Anything Jeryy had prepared for him the past had always smelled and tasted so good. Each dish he was given by that man always had its own special warmth and love cooked within it that always made him feel better, but that was back when he used to see the Black Order as somewhere where he felt safe. Now, being here felt claustrophobic and controlling. He no longer saw this place in the same light as he had a year ago. So much had changed in such a short time.

Link didn’t like how silent Allen was being. He appeared to still be apprehensive about the food even after Link assured him it was safe, and if he didn’t at least take a bite soon, Link was prepared to just shove it down his throat himself. 

When enough was enough, he rolled up his sleeves, ready to force Allen to eat, but a voice made him halt in place.

“I’m sorry, Link.” It was Allen’s voice and Link turned to face him with wide eyes as the boy placed the porridge to the side, untouched. “It’s not fair to you, how I’m behaving.. but I can’t eat that.” He bowed his head slightly in apology and Link was still stunned at the fact that he broke his silence.

When he finally gained his bearings, he mumbled under his breath. “Idiot.” 

Allen had to strain his neck to properly hear him.

“Idiot.” Link repeated, louder this time. “That’s the first thing you decide to say? An apology?!” He stood up and Allen wondered why he was so angry all of a sudden.

“But I _am_ sorry, Link.” 

“No.” Link rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “No. I don’t accept it.” 

“What?” Allen tilted his head a bit in confusion. 

“You heard me. I don’t accept that apology because there's no need for one. So shut up and eat the stupid porridge already.” 

Allen blinked. Since when had his relationship with Link become so casual? He smiled slightly thinking about how things had been between them been before. It used to be very tense and serious between them. Link had been assigned to watch him 24/7 and even though both of them disliked it at first, they had slowly gotten used to it. Link following Allen around had become expected around the Order and through the months, they were able to understand one another better. It was funny to Allen how a situation like that actually helped them become closer. Even though Link probably wouldn’t consider them friends and more like they were colleagues, Allen was the opposite. The odd situation they were in almost forced them to become friends. There’s no way one can simply spend 24 hours of the day with a person and not at least develop a small friendship with them.

Allen moved his hands in his lap and the chains around his wrists clinked together at the sudden movement. “How are the others doing?” He asked hopefully though he had a general idea of the situation outside of his cell.

“They’re alright for now, though I know they disagree with how the higher-ups are handling things.” 

Allen nodded distractedly and Link shifted his legs in his seat, zeroing in on a bit of dried blood on the boy’s shirt. “Are you in pain?” Link asked hesitantly, disliking the myriad of new wounds like marred the young boy’s pale flesh. 

And just as he’d expected, Allen shooed him off. “Don’t worry about me, Link. Everything’s fine.” A lie and even Link knew it. He’d been observing Allen for months now and he knew that the boy refused to talk about himself or his own feelings, even though Link continued to push him for more concrete answers.

“Are you sure?” He tired again and Allen smiled softly, glancing over to the golem chained a few feet away.

“I think Tim misses the fresh air... it gets hard to breathe down here sometimes.” 

Link couldn’t help but notice the lack of windows, making a mental note to see what he could do about that later, before clearing his throat. “Well as you know this should only be temporary.. the higher-ups just want to make sure you’re not a threat to the Order.” 

“..Right.” Allen looked down with a tight smile. It was hard to believe that was true when even the one saying it didn’t even sound confident. 

Maybe Link should've chosen his words better. He looked as if he was wanted to say something else in an attempt to lighten the mood, but Allen just wanted to be left alone.

“I’m tired all of sudden…” He pretended to yawn before smiling slightly. “Can you please leave now?” 

He then turned, not wanting to face the CROW any longer as he laid on his side against the cold slab of metal. He figured since Link was usually such an obedient person, that he’d be able to take the hit and leave. Still, the CROW hesitated before finally standing up

He did, however, make one last gesture at the porridge beside him. “Try and eat something if you change your mind.” He sighed and he dusted off his shirt before walking toward the door. The notebook behind his back would soon be filled with the contents of their interaction. Part of him wished he had better things to write.

* * *

After that, Link needed a distraction. As much as he disapproved of Lvellie’s current strategy to handle the situation involving the Fourteenth playing host in Allen’s body, he still had a duty as a CROW to make note of anything odd about his charge. And after that encounter with Allen earlier, he had a lot to jot down.

Finding most places in the Order to be too distracting, he found himself seeking out a table at the furthest corner of the cafeteria, notebook in hand as he prepared to write a few things down. Since Link didn’t allow himself to be an approachable type of person, he figured he could get a lot done while remaining in the shadows. It was also to note that the cafeteria had been a lot sparser than normal on account that most of the exorcists didn’t have the time to properly sit amongst one another and have a bite to eat, as so much had been going on with the Noah and the Earl’s army of Akuma as of late. So naturally, that made this the best spot for him to be alone with his thoughts.

So he flipped open to a blank page, pushed against the spine of the book to properly fixate it, and got to writing:

‘ _Day 7 - Walker still refuses to eat even when I assured him the food had not been contaminated with truth serum. He did, however, sniff the porridge (Still unsure of the exact purpose for doing this).’_

_‘Even though Walker asked about his comrades, he seemed more dejected than usual. Perhaps the isolation and lack of proper nourishment has finally gotten to him.’_

He continued writing, updating the pages of parchment with the latest comments and injuries from the white-haired exorcist. Usually, he liked to commend himself for being so focused and driven within his work, but soon enough he found himself listening to the tentative footsteps of one Miss Lenalee Lee as she nervously approached his table. His eyes remained focused on his notes even as she spoke beside him.

“Um, Link?” Her voice was soft, a glimmer of a question already at the tip of her tongue. It had no doubt been nagging her the moment she saw the CROW enter the room, eager to approach and ask him right away, but she kept herself polite and composed.

“Hmm?” He hummed idly, not looking up from his notes as Lenalee shuffled her feet against the floor nervously. 

“You.. got to visit Allen today, right?”

Link stopped writing. “That is correct.”

Lenalee’s eyes brightened significantly and she moved to sit down beside him, keeping a respectable distance between them. “How was he? Did he seem okay? I haven't seen him in so long- they won’t let any of us- and I just need to know that he’s doing okay.”

Link wasn’t sure how to respond. He had _seen_ Allen, that was true, but the boy was far from his usual self. The air around him had made Link feel odd-- almost as if Allen had given up and the once constantly blazing fight in his eyes was now dull. It was concerning, to say the least, but Link had a duty to always remain impartial. 

Link’s long pondering silence was making Lenalee worried. He had to choose his words carefully.

“Mr. Walker still refuses to eat, however during our brief meeting he did ask about you and the others.” This got the girl’s attention as she listened intently, clinging onto every word. “He also didn’t seem to want to discuss himself at all though, so I’m afraid I do not know exactly how he is doing per se, but from an outside perspective, I’ll admit that I am a bit concerned.”

Lenalee bit her lip, a tendency she’d develop when nervous, as she processed everything Link had told her. Allen had never been an open book, especially when it came to discussing himself, so she wasn’t surprised there. She did, however, feel a little happy to hear that he still asked about them. She was glad he didn’t harbor any resentment toward her or the others due to the situation, but she was also saddened by the fact that he was still locked in there. It had been 7 days now and they still hadn’t gotten the information they needed, so she figured keeping him any longer at this point was bordering on the excessive. She also had a feeling he was probably going a bit mad down there. I mean who wouldn’t? Being locked up in a cell for even 24 hours would have any sane person questioning their sanity. Even she knew what it was like to be isolated and it was a horrible feeling.

She nodded, wringing her hands in her lap. “Thank you for telling me.” She bowed her head politely and though she’d thanked him, Link could tell that his answers hadn’t satiated her.

* * *

“Oi rise and shine Noah.” The three CROW from before had returned, barging into his cell with no qualms about their intrusion whatsoever. 

Allen looked up from his lap only to be met with a fist to his face as he was roughly knocked to the ground. The injections they’d pumped him with the other day had made his reflexes sluggish. 

“Since you refuse to be of any assistance to us, we have to resort to more drastic measures.” One of the CROW kneeled before him, an evil glint in his eye as he eyed Allen up and down.

“Remember, you did this to yourself the moment you decided to take that vow of silence.” Another CROW cracked his knuckles, taking a step closer as he stood over him.

“It’s not too late, though if you wanna change your mind.” Another spoke, holding a worn bag at their side.

Allen remained silent.

“Very well then.” The CROW motioned for the other two to grab Allen’s arms, twisting them behind his back so he was unable to defend himself, and the first CROW sent a hard kick straight to his gut.

Allen wheezed at the force, blinking harshly when his vision danced with stars. As he tried to get his breathing under control, he heard a bag unzipping followed by the sound of various tools hitting metal.

He braced himself when one of them grabbed his hair, yanking his head back as another sent a punch to his cheek, followed by a few lashings to his back with a whip. He held firm though, spitting up a bit of blood into the other’s face just as a little ‘thank you’ for the treatment.

“What the fuck! You scum!” The CROW wiped his face roughly, trying to rid any remnants of the boy's blood before angrily grabbing a tool from the bag. 

“You wanna fucking die?!” He held a knife to Allen’s throat, piercing the skin slightly with the force.

“Calm down.” Another CROW stepped in. “You know that we can’t kill the boy.” He attempted to talk some sense into him as he glared daggers at the white-haired exorcist. 

Allen watched as he guided the man’s hand down from his neck and toward his shirt instead, before hastily cutting the fabric open to reveal his chest. The scars that covered his frame were on display as the CROW pointed to a rather large one that ran vertically down his chest. It was the wound he’d gotten from Kanda at the North American Branch that day. 

Allen shivered when he felt the metal of the blade pressing against the scar. The feeling alone brought back bad memories.

“Cut here instead.” The CROW smirked and the other nodded, making no haste to pierce the skin, watching as fresh blood trickled down his chest.

Allen had to bite his tongue in order to keep himself composed as the man dragged the knife down his skin, tearing the flesh. He wouldn’t allow them the satisfaction of hearing his pain.

As his blood dripped to the ground, the CROW got to work with the contents of their bag, each grabbing a different tool to torture him with as they tried to get him to break. One grabbed pliers, another prepared a needle for injection, and the other pulled out more chains to restrict him further. Then they took turns, working in a certain rhythm to one-up one another in their work while Allen did his best to block all of it out, focusing on keeping his breathing level.

First, he was beaten with the pliers. Fearing that the man would soon resort to taking teeth or digits, he was at least a bit relieved when then the second CROW grew impatient, pushing the other out of the way to begin preparing the injection. Allen couldn’t tell what it was this time, but the serum didn’t seem natural as the contents of the syringe bubbled and cracked within the glass. He held his breath when the man stabbed the needle into his right arm, forcing the unknown substance deep into his veins.

Allen jerked suddenly as the foreign serum invaded his body. His mind felt scrambled and his limbs tingled as his eyes went in and out of focus. It was as if the world tilted on its axis and he was unable to see straight. He felt nauseous and the words around him became distorted in his ears. He was only vaguely aware of receiving another kick to his chest, in the same spot as the open wound, before he was being chained once again.

The two CROW from before proceeded to grab him roughly under the arms and dragged him toward the stone slab by the wall where the third CROW got to work chaining his limbs. As Allen lay there, virtually incapacitated, they further restricted his movements by tightening his chains and pinching his skin with the metal. Then, just to add to it all, one of the CROW turned again before pulling out what looked like some sort of magic restriction collar from his bag. 

Through half-lidded eyes, Allen was powerless to stop it as the man clipped the restraint around his neck with no hesitation. As his head hung limply, Allen instantly felt the effects of its placement, feeling as if the innocence pumping through his veins was being slowly being extracted from his body and into the collar.

Unable to fight consciousness much longer, his world went dark. 

* * *

In the dark of the room, Allen clutched his stomach with his arms. He wasn’t sure how long he’d passed out for, but the pain had eventually woken him up, and now it was safe to say that it hurt. Not just the open wounds on his back from the lashings, or the bruises on his skin from the beatings, but also the pain that settled deep within his stomach and twisted up his chest and inside his head. And the pain of the Noah living inside his mind, corrupting his thoughts and trying to take over his body. His head was constantly filled with different thoughts, some his own, some not. The foreign ones spoke of dark things and tempted him to act recklessly with each pulse they’d send to his temples. It’d send shivers up his spine the way it settled deep into his bones, constantly drilling into him. _‘Give in. Accept me. Allow me to take over.’_

It hurt. It hurt more than the beatings that Cosimo used to give him constantly when he lived at the circus and even more than the numbing cold of the freshly fallen snow against his fingers when he had nowhere else to sleep except the dirty ground. More than watching the only person he had ever learned to care about in this world dying right before his eyes, and more than watching that same person curse him before disappearing and leaving him all alone. And now, even more than seeing the place he finally felt he could call home, begin to turn its back on him. This pain hurt more than all of that combined now that he knew the truth. 

Before the death of his Master, Cross had told him something that he was never able to forget. It was as if the fog within his mind had finally cleared once he’d heard him utter those words. Maybe he’d known all along and was just too naive to see it back then, or maybe he desperately wanted those words to be wrong so he pretended as if he’d never heard them in the first place, but now that he could no longer run away from the truth, that pain hurt him to his very core. 

Mana had been his whole world. He was all the kindness he knew for half of his life. He trusted Mana with anything and everything and became the person he is today because of him. But Mana had always been a clown. He was a trickster and a good manipulator and Allen longed for his companionship so much that he allowed himself to be controlled by him. 

That day, which felt so long ago now, when the CROW allowed him to meet with his Master for that brief time, everything had become clear. 

Mana had never loved him. 

That realization had hit him like a ton of bricks and haunted his thoughts every day. 

When it finally clicked that all that time he had only served as a replacement for Allen, Mana’s dog, and that the dog was just a replacement for Neah, it hurt. When the dog died, he became the new replacement for Neah, and thus he was given the name Allen as well. It was almost as if the name was a right of passage-- a stepping stone en route to finding Neah, the main objective. 

‘Allen’ had been too blind back then to notice the signs. He refused to believe them back then, even going out of his way to block them out and pretend they didn't exist. And in those instances when Mana would lose his mind, screaming and crying for someone, he’d always call out _that name_. He never called for Allen. He never called for him, but instead, he’d call for Neah.

It was always Neah.

The first time Mana had accidentally called him by that name, it made Allen feel uncomfortable. Why had he called him Neah? Didn’t he know he’d named him Allen, not Neah? Surely he remembered that, right? Even when Allen corrected him, Mana would look down at him, their hands interlocked, and smile as if he hadn’t even said a word in the first place. 

Allen fought against another wrack of pain that stemmed from the wound on his chest and spread throughout his torso. He had to squeeze his eyes shut in order to focus enough to fight through it. He felt so tired but he knew the second he gave in, Neah would use it as an opportunity to take over. Sometimes he wondered what would happen if he was selfish and just gave up. If he just stopped resisting and allowed himself to disappear. 

Would anyone even miss him?

It was always Neah. Everyone always wanted Neah. Mana wanted Neah, Cross wanted Neah, the Noah wanted Neah, Lvellie and the CROW wanted Neah, and now, even the Black Order wanted Neah. No one ever wanted _him_. Not his biological parents, not the circus, not Mana, not Cross, and not the Black Order anymore. Hell, he was almost positive that no one would even bat an eye should Allen Walker disappear from this earth and the Fourteenth finally take over for good. 

He was then reminded of the golem bound beside him and sighed. Well, Tim would probably miss him.. though he figured he’d be able to move on quickly. Allen would feel bad leaving him though since Master had left so suddenly. Maybe he could convince Lenalee to watch over him. She was a nice girl after all and he was sure Tim would be happy living with her. She was less volatile than him and she’d be able to keep him safe. 

Allen looked up at the golem who was unmoving under the bindings and extended a hand out in an attempt to stroke him, but a sudden pulse of pain exploded within his chest that ceased the action altogether. He winced, clutching his chest and breathed heavily as he fought against the suffocating aura of the Fourteenth. He was so tempted to just put his selfish thoughts into action and fall deep into the warm darkness, but then he’d just be giving the enemy what they wanted, and he couldn’t allow that. Allen Walker couldn’t be selfish.

Allen wondered if it was that serum from before that was making him feel so helpless. 

After his treatment in this cell for the past week, Allen had come to the conclusion that he had to break away. He’d turn his back on the Order and become a renegade, or a hermit, no longer associating himself with the exorcists. If he wanted to protect his friends, he had to disappear. That would mean he’d be on the run from not only the Order but the CROW and the Noah as well. That would also mean he’d need to leave Tim behind, and he already anticipated the argument he’d have with the golem when he actually attempted to do so, but no matter how much he’d protest, it had to be done. Tim could be tracked, so it was safer to travel alone.

Another wrack of pain pulsed from the scar on his chest and for an instant he thought he’d passed out again, his vision swimming with white ruffled feathers. Disoriented, he watched as a pair of hands wrapped around his body, squeezing him before the voice of a man whispered, “Let me consume you.” The voice was odd and wispy, and his words began to suffocate him. He tried to break free of the hands and looked down to see feathers sprouting from his limbs and chest. 

Suddenly there was a loud bang, like something hard hitting against metal outside of his consciousness. The abrupt noise helped to pull his mind from the odd hallucination.

Through half-lidded eyes, he could just barely make out clouds of dust floating up into the air as well as the door to his cell, bent and discarded on the ground. Was the Order under attack? He felt too tired to move, still, he tried to focus to make sure he wasn’t just seeing things and was blocked by a sudden presence standing before him. He was sure he was hallucinating now as he thought he saw someone who he knew to be gone standing above him. 

“...Kanda?” He made an attempt to call his name, still unsure whether or not any of this was real before another wrack of pain shot from his chest, even worse than the one from before. His body tensed with the force as he tried to regain control, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain. With his vision obstructed, he missed the way the man kneeled beside him, shaking him slightly to keep him in control, but all he could feel was his skin shifting into an ashen gray color as he fought against the pull of the noahfication process. His head was pounding so loud that he just barely heard another crash of metal, this time against the chains that bound him to the wall, and then the hurried footsteps of people. 

He felt the dark matter swimming in his veins as he opened his eyes when he felt someone shaking him once again, but his vision was so blurry he couldn’t make out the colored shapes that stood over him. It seemed like they were saying something but he was so tired— too tired to focus hard enough and try to make sense of any of it. Another wave of pain shot through him and he choked, grabbing onto the closest thing to keep him grounded. 

White feathers danced in his vision and when he finally pushed through the sensation, he was vaguely aware of someone helping him sit up. The wound on his chest protested the movement, and he felt blood gush from the opening. It made his head spin and when he was nearly brought to his feet, he couldn’t win the fight against the spots in his vision as he succumbed to the darkness.

* * *

Kanda had had enough of the damn Black Order. He had been blinded for so long working for such a corrupt organization all this time, not knowing the truth of the evil behind it all. So upon his return to the Order, his only plan was to grab the damn Moyashi from that CROW and then get the hell out. He honestly never wanted to set foot within these walls ever again, but that annoying guy had risked his life for him to get some much-needed closure with Alma, that he couldn’t just turn his back without returning the favor. And though he would never admit it out loud, he still felt a bit guilty about what happened at the North American Branch, and that’s why, no matter what, Kanda couldn’t allow the stupid Moyashi to become a Noah.

So when he heard from the others where they were keeping him, Kanda rolled up his sleeves and marched his way down to the cells, Mugen already unsheathed and fists blazing. Lenalee and a few others had trailed along after him, eager to lend their support though they were still apprehensive about defying the Order. Kanda knew they’d all probably been dying to see the damn Sprout again though, and he figured they just needed someone to make the first move, so why not him. He didn’t give a damn about breaking any rules since he sure as hell wasn’t aligned with the Order anymore. He did however still wield Innocence, so it wasn’t like he could just go completely off the rails and just straight up kill that Lvellie cunt once and for all-- no matter how tempting it may be-- since he could risk becoming a Fallen One. 

When he’d finally made it to the cells, he was surprised to see that the ‘threatening’ guard post in charge of watching the ‘ever so dangerous’ Moyashi around the clock, was a lot more underwhelming than they’d made the situation out to be. Instead of a militia clad in armor and wielding giant swords, there were two CROW standing on either side, chatting idly amongst themselves. 

Suffice to say, Kanda had those two knocked down with just one slash from his blade as Lenalee grabbed the cell keys from their pocket and hastily began to undo a few of the many locks keeping him bound inside. It honestly seemed a bit excessive to have so many chains and locks holding the door closed, along with binds and various charms, just for the Moyashi of all people. It made Kanda want to roll his eyes, already feeling immensely impatient. 

Once Lenalee had managed to undo the last lock, Kanda swiftly kicked open the cell door, wasting no time as he was sure the higher-ups had already been notified of the break-in. That meant they only had a limited amount of time to grab the kid and get the hell out of there. 

He had also been surprised how eager a few of the exorcists had been to join his cause, even though it meant being marked as breakers of the faith and traitors of the Order, a fair few had agreed in a heartbeat to help Kanda get to Allen no matter what. Those in company included Kanda, Lenalee, Lavi, Komui, Johnny, and even Miranda of all people.

The first thing Kanda noticed after the dust cleared was the golem Timcanpy, enlarged and covered in bindings. Its wings were also chained to the wall behind it in order to restrict it from shrinking and flying around. 

He also saw snow-white hair and a body lying against a stone slab as an odd purple aura hung in the air surrounding him. His arms were cuffed along with his legs and Kanda pretended to ignore the way Lenalee gasped at the state of her friend. He seemed to be injured and was bleeding through his shirt, as well as the lingering effects of the damn Noah attempting to take over.

Lenalee hesitated stepping inside the cell at first the sight alone brought back dark memories of her own past, but since she was here to help Allen, she knew she had to be strong. Lavi walked in before her, waving away the excess dust that still lingered in the air after Kanda had broken the door down so violently.

“Oi Moyashi.” Kanda walked over to try and snap the kid out of it who winced as he tried to fight against the transformation. Kanda pretended not to notice the way he was clutching at his chest in the same spot where Kanda had pierced him through with Mugen that day... _Dammit..._

He felt anger swell inside him as he turned to the stunned group of exorcists, instructing them to snap out of it and take care of the golem’s bindings while he dealt with Allen. 

Unsheathing Mugen once again, he stepped back to take care of the chains. There appeared to be one around each of the boy’s limbs as well as some sort of innocence suppression band wrapped tightly around his neck. Kanda wanted to curse at how dramatic all of this was. Was it really necessary for the Moyashi to be chained this excessively? What could those asshats possibly think he was gonna do? Seriously it was the goddamn Moyashi of all people. The guy was stubborn as hell and even Kanda had the right sense to know that Allen would never allow himself to be consumed by that Noah.

So Kanda got to work slicing off the chains that bounded him to the wall, starting with the ones on his arms before moving down to the ones on his legs. He wasn’t sure how exactly to tackle the one around his neck, but he figured they could figure it out later as he didn’t want to waste any more time here. There was no question that a hoard of CROW were no doubt on their way, ready to put an end to their little escape plan, so they had to be quick.

Thankfully the others had successfully gotten the golem freed, and Kanda kneeled beside the Moyashi who was still recovering from before. Lenalee and Lavi stood beside him and he reached over to try and get the guy’s attention.

“Oi Moyashi can you hear me?” He called before roughly grabbing his shoulder and shaking it. Lenalee quickly interjected telling him he had to be more careful.

“Allen, are you in pain anywhere? Did they hurt your chest?” Lenalee tried to ask but Allen didn’t seem to be listening all that well as his eyes glazed over and his skin started to shift into a dark gray color.

“Shit,” Lavi swore under his breath, quickly moving to try and help snap Allen out of it. 

Instinctively, Allen reached out and Kanda allowed him to grip his hand if it’d help him fight through the noahfication. In any other situation though, he’d of shoved him off instantly, but since he did kinda owe him one, he let it slide for now.

Lenalee and Lavi also did their best to try and act as an anchor and help pull Allen back to reality as he fought back against the Noah trying to invade his mind. 

In another minute everything was under control again and Komui’s voice from the hall alerted them that they were running out of time. He’d already sent his latest version of Komulin up ahead to try and keep the CROW at bay, but he knew any minute now they’d be charging down the corridor ready to stop them.

Kanda turned back to face the Moyashi who’s skin had returned back to normal and was still trying to properly gain his bearings. “Lenalee, go wait outside with Johnny, and Lavi go help Komui and Miranda keep the CROW back.”

“But what about-“ 

“I can handle this. Just go.” Kanda ordered them and lowered his voice when he spoke to Allen again.

“Hey, can you stand?” Kanda asked and Allen seemed to nod slightly, taking his time to try and sit up.

It was then that Kanda was able to get a better view of the wound beneath the guy’s shirt that was stained red with blood. It seemed that a cut had been sliced across his chest in the same place as his previous scar from Mugen. Kanda clenched his fist at his side before helping Allen try to stand. 

He then heard an explosion from the hallway and swore under his breath. They needed to speed this up or else they’d be in some tough shit. 

Before Allen could even properly stand, the movement that it took for him to sit up had caused the wound beneath his shit to gush with fresh blood. The sudden blood loss made him feel shaky on his feet and he lost his balance before succumbing to the darkness. 

Surprised, Kanda managed to catch him just in time, eyes growing wide at the way the boy went limp all of a sudden.

“Shit. Moyashi?” Kanda swore under his breath when he saw blood hit the floor. He reached out to check for a pulse as another explosion boomed from the hallway, this one much closer than the last.

When he was finally able to get a good reading he found the heartbeat was unnervingly faint, so Kanda resorted to plan B and positioned Allen on his back instead, even if it meant getting his clothes dirty. This way he could run faster and book it the hell out of there much easier.

With the Moyashi secure, he rushed out into the hall where Komui, Miranda, and Lavi were currently holding back a group of angry CROW. Wind and bits of rock were blowing everywhere and Kanda shouted for them to fall back.

“Oi time to go!” He called over the wind and suddenly Timcanpy, blown up to the size of a wrecking ball came charging through the wall, cracking the stone and slamming into the CROW. This gave them enough time to escape to the carriage and soon enough, the golem was back to its regular size and perched atop Allen’s head.

When they arrived to the carriage, Lenalee moved to help get Allen from Kanda so they could escape quicker. Miranda had even grabbed a medical kit earlier and had stuffed it safety in the carriage, knowing it would come in handy along the road for her friends.

Lavi and Kanda settled into the seats across from Lenalee, closing the door shut as Komui hit the reigns and the horses took off in a gallop.

Miranda waved them off, choosing to stay back in order to lay low and try to gather other exorcists to join their cause in the hope that they could meet up again. In a way, she was like their undercover spy, able to stay within the shadows of the Order to gather more info on Lvellie and the others.

“Be safe and good luck!” She called, waving her arms around frantically as she nervously watched the horses sprint away as the carriage ventured down the road and off of Order grounds. 

As the alarms continued to blare overhead, Miranda waited until they were out of sight to move, feeling a sudden foreboding feeling in the air. She spun around quickly, glancing up toward the building for anything out of the ordinary, but was met with nothing... _How odd._ She felt a shiver go down her spine but quickly composed herself as she rushed back into the building.

Elsewhere stood Apocryphus stepping over the bodies of the CROW scattered across the hallway before creeping his way into Allen’s former cell. Kneeling down in the center of the room, he dusted his fingers against the ground before bringing a substance up to his nose. It was blood. The blood of Allen Walker. 

He stood once more and walked over to the now gaping hole within the Order walls where the golem had charged through moments before. Though the carriage was no longer in sight, he spoke a threat into the air that hung like a thick fog.

  
“No matter what Allen Walker, I _will_ consume you.”


	2. The Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda, Lavi, Lenalee, Johnny, and Komui have successfully broken Allen out of the Order and are now on the run, traveling by carriage to get as far out of town as possible before figuring out a plan to stay off the Order, and the Noah's, radar. Allen is apprehensive about dragging his friends into this mess with him.

**ii**

**The Conflict**

They were now officially on the run, speeding off down the gravel path and staying within the shadows of the trees that lined the road, sprouting high into the air and providing some protection from the enemies that chased after them. They also had to be on constant alert in case any golems were being sent their way in the sky. 

The Order was much different now. A lot more security measures had been developed in the coming weeks ever since Lvellie made himself comfortable within their walls. The CROW had been more vicious as well, often acting on their own accord simply saying they were on orders from Lvellie himself to justify their random searches of the exorcists to make sure there weren’t any traitors within the walls. And because of the looming threat of a possible Noah attack, Lvellie had surveillance drones out constantly serving the era and the sky, making sure that no one could get in or out within his knowledge.

But now, because of their little escape plan, the Order was thrown into chaos and all hands were on deck to chase after the betrayers. As soon as Lvellie heard of the breakout in the prison, he sent CROW out at once to try and push back the invaders, though he hadn’t anticipated that golem of Cross’s to incapacitate his men so easily. 

It angered him to be played a fool by his own allies, and now because of their little stunt to break out that Noah, he had to be extra cautious of the other exorcists that still remained within the Order. 

And he also wouldn’t be letting those traitors escape so easily.

In addition to sending 10 of his best CROW, splitting up into two groups of 5 to chase after the betrayers, he had made a summons for a certain CROW to come to his office immediately to help handle the situation. This, of course, was none other than his loyal right hand, Howard Link.

He had certainly been quick to act once they’d heard the explosions from within the cell, but Lvellie had the boy restrained for the time being. He couldn’t allow Link to act rashly and even he still needed to make sure the boy was still on their side and wouldn't do something reckless like join the opposing forces. He knew after assigning the boy to look after the Noah that he’d start to develop some sort of attachment to him. It was only natural, though Lvellie had assumed that Link would be stronger than that. It was a pity, but it only meant that he had to keep Link on an even tighter leash now to make sure that he didn’t stray from the faith. So, he called Link in for a special assignment.

“You wanted to see me, sir?”

“That’s right.” Lvellie motioned him inside and Link nodded at the militia of CROW that stayed by Lvellie’s side within the room. He felt like he was entering some sort of army base and was about to speak to the head Commander himself and in all honesty, that analogy wasn’t too far off from the truth. 

“Close the door behind you. I have something important to ask of you.” 

Link did as he was told and made his way before Lvellie, bowing slightly before straightening up to hear his orders. 

“It’s a shame that we had so many traitors within the Order all this time. From my understanding, you were close with that group, weren’t you Link?”

Link had a feeling he knew where this was going. “Sir, I can assure you that I thought of those people as purely acquaintances only, nothing more. I would never turn my back on the side of justice.”

Lvellie narrowed his eyes. “I wouldn’t have expected anything less from my second hand. You know I just have to be cautious when situations like this occur.”

“Sir, if I may ask, how do you plan to handle this situation? Those traitors were able to escape and they may be too far away by now unless we act diligently.”

“Yes don’t fret, I’ve already sent some CROW out to tail them. That’s actually why I wanted to get in contact with you in particular.”

“Yes, sir, what is it?”

“Well, since you were previously in charge of observing that Noah, I think you’d be the best at tracking him down, wouldn’t you agree?”

Link knew Lvellie was testing him so he had to be as straightforward and loyal as possible. He couldn’t put any doubt in Lvellie’s mind that he had conflicting feelings about the organization he’d aligned himself with all these years. Though small, getting to know Allen Walker all this time had unwillingly created a sliver of doubt in his mind on which side was truly just. 

“I have spent many months observing Mr. Walker and have kept pages of detailed notes on various aspects of his life thus far. I think I do have a fair bit of knowledge on him and how he thinks. If you’re suggesting what I think you are, sir, then I will do whatever I can within my power to search for him and those traitors.” He added something more just for good measure, even if he didn’t completely think these things, he needed Lvellie to think he did. “Even I know that throwing another Noah into the mix will do no good for us. That’s why it’s important to keep Mr. Walker contained and within our walls to ensure that something drastic won’t happen. As I’m sure you know, the other Noah are no doubt waiting for their chance to awaken the Fourteenth inside of him, and we cannot let that happen.”

“Very good, Link.” Lvellie smirked at the CROW before him and stroked his chin thoughtfully. He had trained Link to be quite a good rule-follower after all these years it seemed. “At least someone seems to understand the severity of the situation. That’s why I think it’s imperative that you set out in search of that Noah and the betrayers immediately. In addition to the other CROW I sent out, I have a feeling you’ll meet my expectations and fulfill the orders properly.” 

“Of course, sir.” Link bowed again as the new mission became set in stone. Link would be joining the other CROW in search of Allen Walker and the now ex-exorcists of the Order including Komui Lee, Johnny Gill, Lenalee Lee, Lavi the Bookman’s apprentice, and Yuu Kanda. 

In addition, Link was on the search for answers. Answers to what was right and wrong and what truth was worth believing. He needed to see for himself what Lvellie was so dead set on destroying as well as finally meeting the Fourteenth for himself. And so he finished his meeting with Lvellie and went straight to work, collecting a bag together for the road before throwing on a jacket and preparing for his journey. He even had a golem prepared to accompany him as he set out to find Allen Walker.

* * *

Once they had traveled a safe distance away from the Order, the horses were given the chance to relax, slowing down to a more constant trot as Komui steered with the reigns. Johnny was seated beside him upfront, on the lookout for any incoming attacks or possible golems being sent out to track them. As it appeared currently, they were in the clear, but they knew it was only a matter of time before someone, _or something_ , caught up to them. 

“That was insane.” Lavi exhaled moving back inside from the open window where he’d been keeping an eye out for any potential raids from the sky. “I’m a bit surprised we actually managed to get out of there! Nice going, Yuu!”

Kanda’s boot came crashing for Lavi’s face the second that name left his mouth, but the redhead was quick, managing to duck into the carriage wall to avoid the onslaught. “Yo Kanda, chill! I was just trying to compliment you! Freaking tsundere.” He mumbled under his breath as Kanda sent daggers his way, arms folded across his chest.

“Don’t fucking call me that.”

“What, Kanda? That’s your name isn’t it?” Lavi insisted on playing dumb which only aggravated Kanda even more.

“You know what I mean, asshat.” 

“Guys,” Lenalee hushed, always having to get in the middle of their bickering, “don’t argue. Just be grateful that we managed to get away.” She sighed her heart pounding a bit in her chest, still feeling the adrenaline from their risky escape only moments ago.

They had heard the alarms blaring as soon as they’d escaped, alerting everyone within the Order of their betrayal. In order to prepare for the escape, they had each castaway and turned off their golems so they wouldn’t be easily tracked, though what they didn’t know, was the looming threat of the Human Shaped Innocence that would be tracking them from now on. The only one who did was currently down for the count as Lenalee attempted to wake him.

The white-haired boy was leaning lightly against her shoulder, his hair masking his face as she gently tried to rouse him. “Hey Allen, can you hear me? We’re safe now so please wake up.” She nudged his side slightly though it didn’t seem to do much. He felt cold against her arm and Lenalee felt a bit worried. Allen had been treated so roughly this past week it made her sad to see her friend in such a pitiful state. 

Kanda’s voice from across the carriage forced her eyes away from the younger boy. “You’re gonna be fresh out of luck if you think he’ll wake up anytime soon.” Kanda scoffed leaned back in his seat like he knew something that they didn’t.

“Something must’ve happened before we got there,” Lenalee said instead. “It’s wrong how they’ve been treating him. I just hope he’s okay…”

“Wait, look! He’s injured.” Lavi hadn’t gotten a good look at Allen during all of this chaos and now that they had some time to take a breather, he could just barely see a splash of red beneath his coat that spread from an injury under his shirt. He wasn’t sure at first in the dark light, but now there was no doubt about it that blood was seeping through Allen’s shirt.

Even Kanda seemed to sit up at this swearing slightly under his breath.

“What was that, Kanda?” Lavi inquired as Kanda leaned over to examine the stain spreading beneath Allen’s shirt. 

“.. I noticed it before. I was gonna do something about it sooner, but I guess I fucking forgot to during our escape.”

“You forgot?! Kanda!” Lenalee quickly repositioned herself in her seat so that she could properly unbutton Allen’s shirt. Even though her hands shook slightly, she knew she had to work quickly in case Allen’s injury was serious. She held her breath when she got the last button undone, and pulled the shirt back to reveal a gnarly wound cut down the front of his chest and still dripping fresh blood. 

“Oh my god.” She winced at the state of the gash, it was jagged and deep, no doubt sliced open with a knife right across his chest. It had to be nearly a foot in length and seeing it amongst all the other scars and bruises that littered her friend’s pale skin made her heart ache. Some looked fairly old while others looked relatively new. 

It felt wrong to see Allen like this. Allen was such a nice person. He didn’t deserve the cards that he was dealt with in life and that’s why Lenalee wanted to help him even more. Allen didn’t deserve to hurt this much.

“No way... wait isn’t that the spot where-?” Lavi was about to comment on the placement of the wound being in such a familiar spot, but Kanda’s glare from beside him was enough for him to know to keep his mouth shut.

Lenalee, on the other hand, moved on autopilot as she ripped off a big piece of gauze to apply pressure on the wound, thanking Miranda for supplying the emergency kit so that she could properly treat the wound. She had to make sure the wound didn’t worsen or get infected, so she did her best to wrap it in their awkward position. 

Once everything seemed to be cleaned and covered, she took care of a few smaller cuts here and there, though trying to treat him when he was right next to her proved to be a bit trickier than expected. With the help of Lavi though, she was able to scoot all the way over in her seat toward the wall where she could position Allen’s head within her lap and focus on that troubling collar that was still in place around his neck.

“What do you suppose that thing around his neck is? Have any of you seen anything like this before?” Lenalee asked both boys across from her but Lavi seemed to be just as confused by it as her. Kanda, on the other hand, looked like he wanted to say something about it but was holding it back. She wondered why that would be.

“No clue. I’ve never seen anything like that before.” Lavi was eyeing the collar critically, no doubt noticing the green wisps that appeared to move within the color. “It looks kinda like….”

“What?” Lenalee pushed curiously when he trailed off, “What does it look like?”

“I could be wrong, but it looks like there’s... _Innocence_ trapped inside of it..”

Lenalee looked down to examine the collar once again. “No way, do you think so?” The material was too dense to see through perfectly, but there was no doubt that the color appeared a slight green.

Kanda scoffed and Lenalee looked up, wondering why he was acting so standoffish. “Kanda,” She questioned, “Have you seen something like this before? Do you know what this it.”

“No,” Kanda answered curtly, directing his attention outside the window and effectively ending the conversation. Lenalee resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him.

“Geez who pissed in your soba this morning, Mr. grumpy pants?” Lavi teased but Kanda ignored him.

Lenalee figured she wouldn’t push the subject anymore and tried to figure it out from what she knew thus far. Back at the Order, she had seen Kanda break apart the other chains that had previously bound Allen to the wall, yet this collar seemed to be made of a much tougher material than the metal chains. Not only was the material different than the chains, but it also glowed, and last time she checked, normal chains didn’t glow. If Lavi was right about it being related to Innocence, then could it be that the collar had removed Innocence from within Allen and stored it within the collar somehow? It seemed far-fetched since Lenalee had never seen anything like it before, but she had to be sure before she even attempted to remove it since she wasn’t sure if something bad would happen if she was reckless. In any case, she figured maybe Johnny or Komui would know something about it. They were more knowledgeable on odd things like this than her. 

So before she attempted to remove it herself, she moved to try and get Johnny’s attention at the front of the carriage since Komui had to keep focused on the road, taking them as far away from the Order as the horses could manage.

“I think Johnny ought to have a look at this. Maybe he’ll know more about it.” Since the driver’s seat was located at her back, she tapped against the section of the wall that divided them from the outside of the carriage a few times in order to get his attention. The wall worked as a window of sorts that could slide downward in order to communicate with the driver, as well as be left upward in order to provide privacy for the passengers inside. 

After a few soft taps, the dividing wall dropped open and Johnny pulled back the curtain that separated them, sticking his head through the window. “Is everything okay? I know we kinda sped off but- Ah oh my gosh, Allen! Is he going to be okay?” Johnny’s eyes were wide behind his glasses as he finally got a good look at the person they’d saved. Since he’d been so caught up with his anxieties about escaping, it was only now that he could properly see the state of his friend.

Lenalee turned to face him, making sure not to shift Allen around too much as she addressed the frantic scientist. “Johnny, calm down. Allen is okay. I treated some of his wounds already, but I actually had a question about something peculiar. Maybe you can help?”

Johnny nodded but before he could supply an answer, an all too familiar voice from beside him interrupted them.

“Is that my Lenalee I hear? Oh, Lena please tell me you made it out alright! I’d be devastated if anything happened to you during that! And why don’t you ask me for help! Your dear big brother can help you with anything, my precious sister.”

Lavi suppressed a laugh at the comment but Lenalee felt like rolling her eyes instead. “Brother, I’m fine, just keep your eyes on the road.” She could hear Komui pout exaggeratingly as he wallowed to himself, but Lenalee didn’t have time for his theatrics right now. She needed Johnny’s help.

“Johnny, can you take a look at this for me? We’re not sure what exactly it is but Lavi thinks it could be related to Innocence.”

Johnny ducked his head further through the little window to get a better look at the collar in question, analyzing it carefully as Komui grumbled comments to himself about how he ‘wished he could see what they were talking about’ and that he’d ‘surely know what it was right away if he could just see it too.’

After a few more seconds, Johnny seemed to come to a conclusion. 

“I do know what this is. It’s something that isn’t used much these days but was more popular when Innocence was first discovered. Back then collars such as this one were developed as an unethical way of restraining Innocence within exorcists who had turned against the Order and betrayed the faith. It had also been used to contain Fallen Ones, but it didn’t do much since they always ended up getting too power-hungry and meeting their terrible fate…. Ahem.” Johnny cleared his throat, finding the topic to be a bit depressing, so he pushed his glasses up his nose and collected his thoughts. “To be honest, this is my first time seeing such a device like this in person since they had been outlawed years ago. It’s quite fascinating really, to finally see one.” 

“If you say it was outlawed, then how do you suppose Lvellie and the CROW managed to get their hands on something like this?” Lenalee asked and Johnny made a face just thinking about it.

“However they managed to get it, it no doubt was done illegally… That Lvellie guy honestly gave me the creeps… Though I hate to say it, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had lots of outlawed devices like this somewhere in his storage..”

“That guy… Well, do you know if we can remove it? Will it explode or something if we try?” Lavi inquired and Johnny blinked owlishly. 

“Oh I-I’m sure it’ll be fine if you remove it. From what I understand only someone from the outside can remove it while the wearer is unable to. I’m sure it’ll be fine as long as someone else takes it off...”

“You seem unsure.” Lenalee addressed the scientist who fidgeted a bit in his place.

“Well like I said, I’ve never worked with one in person before so I’m not positive... But I think it’ll be okay!” 

“Johnny-”

“I’ll do it.” Kanda volunteered suddenly which surprised Lenalee when he shoved Johnny back through the window and closed it shut.

“W-wait let me know if it goes well- ack!” Johnny tried to yell behind the wall but Kanda was already prepared to rip it off and be done with it.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” 

“Yes.”

Lenalee still felt worried but she knew Kanda wouldn’t do anything that could get them killed. “Fine, just be careful.” Lenalee braced herself as Kanda reached a hand toward the collar, pinching the sides of the band with his fingers to release the circular latch at the center. It didn’t take much force and soon enough, the collar popped open, releasing a gust of air and a mass of green essence to swirl out of the opening. The group watched in awe as the Innocence spread into the air for a moment before gliding back down to dance across Allen’s skin. It seemed to hover above the barrier for a moment before seeping deep inside his veins, disappearing from sight in only a few seconds. The exorcists had never seen anything like that before and Lavi reached over to grab the now empty collar to inspect it more up close. 

“Woah so it really was Innocence.”

“Yeah.” Kanda sat down again and Lenalee blinked at how quickly the Innocence had vanished. Innocence was still such a mysterious and powerful thing to her, even after all these years of harnessing it herself its abilities continued to surprise her each day.

“That collar must have been put in place to suppress Allen’s Innocence so that he wouldn’t be able to retaliate,” Lavi added, still inspecting the odd device as he peered in through the hallowed opening. 

“It’s barbaric. Using something forbidden on an innocent person...” Lenalee felt mad again. Mad at Lvellie for treating Allen like a monster; mad at herself for waiting so long to help. But she couldn’t be mad at herself anymore. She had to be strong and stay by Allen’s side no matter what, and since the collar was out of the way, she was hoping to see Allen awake and looking better, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

She half expected the release of the collar and the return of the Innocence to be enough to return Allen back to normal, but from the way Timcanpy continued to flutter nervously beside him, he appeared to still be knocked out. It made Lenalee worry even more since there wasn’t anything she could do to help. 

Wishing to dispell the depressing atmosphere within the carriage, Lavi decided to do what he does best. Casting the collar away, he exhaled loudly before leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms behind his head. “Hey, do you guys remember the first time Allen joined the Order? It feels like so long ago but really it’s only been two years, hah. Who would’ve thought that so much would’ve changed since then.” Lavi decided to reminisce, choosing to think about the good memories from the past than focus on the state of things now. 

The first time Lavi met Allen was on that mission. Allen’s left eye had been injured by Road back then so he wasn’t able to detect Akuma. It was then that Lavi taught him not to be so reliant on it since Akuma could be anything at any time and not everyone had a built-in Akuma detector like Allen did. Back then he thought Allen seemed alright. Though he could tell he had a lot of secrets like him, he found Allen to be a kind and earnest person. He worked hard in what he believed in and vowed to free all the tortured Akuma souls that were bound against their will. Lavi found it reckless but strong-willed and he really enjoyed hanging out with Allen at the Order all that time. 

Lenalee smiled fondly, thinking of her own first encounter with Allen at the gates of the Order. There had been a bit of a misunderstanding when he arrived due to the curse on his left eye, but after that got situated, she was able to see what a nice person Allen was. Not only was he strong, but he was generous and hard working. She was glad to have such a warm and selfless person on their side and it didn’t take long for them to develop a friendship soon after.

And since Allen had always been such a bright and caring person in her life, seeing him look so hurt now made her feel sad. 

“Allen was always such a great person. Since the day I met him he was also so kind.” She smiled sadly as she brushed her fingers through his hair. “It makes me feel bad... The way things have progressed... I've never seen Allen look so vulnerable before.” She looked down at the bandages that wrapped around his chest, hoping all his wounds would heal soon so he wouldn’t have to be pained by them. “It just feels wrong.” She added. “Those people hurt him when he did nothing wrong... I honestly feel guilty for not having the courage to step in sooner.”

“Oh come on, don’t be like that Lena. You know there was nothing we could’ve done.” Lavi reassured her. Even though he felt the same way as she did-- angry at the higher-ups for how they were treating their friend and loyal member of the Order, he had to remain positive. He was the support that the group needed in times of despair, so he always tried to remain positive and with a level head. It wouldn't do them any good if they were all mad at the world and depressed.

“But Kanda..” Lenalee looked over at their dark-haired friend who had been watching stoically from the side. “Kanda was able to break him out so easily. He just marched down there and got it done like that... I wish I could have been stronger.” 

“Oi,” Kanda’s gruff voice stopped her spiraling. “Enough. I was only able to pull it off cause I owe the stupid Moyashi… so quit being so hard on yourself.”

“Oooh, Kanda was that an attempt at being consoling?” Lavi nudged him playfully and Kanda pushed back instantly.

“Shut it.”

Lenalee, however, was still focused on what Kanda had said before. “You owe Allen?” 

Kanda looked serious for a moment before scoffing, wishing to just brush it off. He shouldn’t have mentioned that anyway. “..It’s nothing...Just forget about it.” 

But Lenalee couldn’t forget.

* * *

Allen felt disoriented. His vision was dark and his hearing was muffled, and he was only vaguely aware of the fact that he was moving. 

It was like he could feel what was happening around him, yet his body was still too weak to process it properly or even attempt to move. He wondered if he was being moved to a different cell, no doubt being forced into deeper isolation due to his failure to comply with their questioning and torture methods. It was about time he was subjected to a different method considering nothing had been working to get him to talk. But no matter what they’d throw his way, Allen wouldn’t allow himself to break. He had to be strong-- stronger than ever in order to fight again both Lvellie and Neah. No matter how bad it hurt sometimes, and no matter how many beatings were thrown his way, he would think about his friends and the people he needed to protect. He had lost so many people in his life that he needed to keep those dear to him safe while he was still in control. Even though he wanted to be strong, suppressing the Noah constantly did start to take its toll on him, both physically and mentally.

Allen wanted to break free of this darkness. Even if he opened his eyes just to see a bland, dark cell looking back at him, he wanted to at least do something during his predicament. He couldn’t just hide in the comfort of the darkness anymore and ignore his problems. He had to keep his mind sharp and laying here feeling depressed wasn’t doing him any good. 

On the bright side though, his body didn’t ache as much as it had before. He wondered if this rest had helped heal him if even a little bit. He needed to build as much strength as he could in this state if he ever planned to break free.

He tried to escape the darkness that surrounded him, but a feather danced across his vision. The sight of it made him feel angry, reminding him of another one of his enemies. Apocryphos. The human-shaped Innocence that was dead set on chasing after him. Though Allen didn’t know exactly what it wanted with him particularly, he would frequently be plagued by visions of feathers and a menacing voice whispering in his ears, yearning to consume him. Allen hated it. He already had the voice of Neah in his mind and adding another to the mix was going to drive him insane. 

So every time he saw those damn feathers, he would destroy them. There was no way he’d ever let Apocryphos consume him.

Allen reached out toward the feather, grabbing a hold of it before crushing it in his fist.

It was time for him to wake up.

He tried to focus on his surroundings, becoming aware of all the different sensations around him. It felt unfamiliar and awkward, almost like he was underwater, but he had to get past it. His environment felt alternated and he could vaguely sense light around him which didn’t make any sense at all since his cell didn’t have any windows or light. _Was he really just inside another cell?_

Enough was enough, he needed to gain his bearings again. Whatever that substance was that they’d injected him with before had made him feel weak for long enough and he was sick of it. So, he fought through the darkness even harder, reaching towards the faint sliver of light up ahead. He reached further and further, desperate to break free of this inner prison, and soon enough he was engulfed in the light.

Slowly, he chanced to open his eyes. 

At first, it was hard for him to make much sense of anything. It was as if his vision was covered by a thin veil of black, or like his vision wasn’t his own-- like he was seeing the world through someone else’s eyes.

* * *

It was late at night in the carriage, bordering the early morning now, and everyone else had fallen asleep. Kanda, however, was too on edge to even think about sleeping. They had just broken the Moyashi out of the Order and were no doubt being chased by Lvellie’s best men at this very moment. No matter what, it was his responsibility now to ensure that the CROW never found them. Breaking out had been his plan after all.

It was also that damn Moyashi’s fault. If he could’ve just minded his damn business that day and hadn’t interfered with him and Alma, then he wouldn’t even be in this situation. He would’ve been able to turn his back on everything and be at peace, but no, _he_ just _had_ to be annoyingly selfless and help him even when Kanda had been nothing but mean to him since the day he first came to the Order. 

God, it made Kanda mad. He knew he was an asshole, and most times that fact didn’t bother him, yet this guy- this annoying bean sprout had ended up helping him find peace with Alma regardless of how he felt about him. And of course Kanda was grateful, but there was no chance in hell he’d admit it out loud. 

He cursed himself for getting so soft. He tried to remind himself that the only reason he was even still here was to return the favor to Allen, nothing more, but just seeing him look so hurt... God, what was he even thinking?

He turned away to face the window instead. The moon was shining up in the dark sky and he didn’t see any signs of CROW or golem on their tail which was good. The best-case scenario would be to leave Japan altogether and try to figure everything out somewhere far away from exorcists and Akuma. Since they all still knew very little about the Fourteenth and what he intended to do with the Moyashi, they needed a game plan. Breaking out was only the beginning, there was still so much that needed to be worked out. 

And once again it all came down to how cooperative the Moyashi would be, and Kanda had a feeling the kid was going to try and escape as soon as they stopped somewhere, saying some bullshit about ‘not wanting to put his friends in danger’ or that he’s ‘better off on his own’ and ‘everything will be fine once they leave.’ 

That guy had always been the annoying self-righteous type and at times Kanda thought the kid was so damn reckless that he wondered if he even cared for his own well-being at all. He used to be so mad when he’d get assigned to missions with him of all people because working with a guy who saw no value in his own life just dragged the whole team down.

And not to mention sees that collar around his throat had brought back some bad memories of his own past, when he had been used as a vessel by the Order to reanimate into a new body but with the same memories of his previous life. Both him and Alma had been subjected to that fate, being experimented on and forced to cruel testing as a Second Exorcist. It was during that time of his life that he was no stranger to the cruel devices of the Order against him.

Sighing, he rubbed at the bridge of his nose before looking at the Moyashi once again. There was no way in hell he’d let that guy run off. Instead, he should be fucking grateful that they’d managed to break his ass out of prison in the first place. 

Then, for a moment, Kanda could’ve sworn he saw the kid move. Curious, he furrowed his brows together, sitting up more in his seat to make sure it wasn’t just a trick of the eye due to lack of sleep, but then it happened again. The Moyashi’s body twitched.

Kanda looked around to see if anyone else was seeing this, but both Lavi and Lenalee were still down for the count, so he kept his mouth shut and instinctively reached for Mugen at his side.

He watched carefully, holding his breath when gold eyes opened slowly, seemingly staring at nothing as Kanda prepared to unsheath Mugen in case the Fourteenth was about to make a move. But in an instant, the boy blinked and his eyes shifted from gold to gray, now wide-eyed and confused, and Kanda watched silently as the boy winced, touching at his temples like he was in pain. 

Kanda put Mugen away.

Allen had to wait for a moment for his eyes to focus properly in the dim light, but when they did, he realized he was no longer in a cell anymore and instead, was leaning against the wall of a moving carriage. 

Surprised, he jerked back a bit into the corner of the wall. He had to make sure he wasn’t dreaming as he frantically touched the places on his body where chains had been previously. He was shocked to find all of the binds removed, even the one around his neck, and the sight alone made him feel like he could breathe a bit better. When he looked down at his chest, he also didn’t see any sign of the feathers that felt like they were suffocating him earlier. He also noticed Timcanpy resting against his leg and for a moment he sighed in relief that he could move around freely and was no longer trapped within that cell.

But then there was the issue of where exactly he was now, and he finally chanced a look at his surroundings, eyes growing wide when he locked eyes with none other than Kanda from across the carriage.

So when he saw Kanda in his cell before... _That was real?_

“Moyashi.” Kanda’s voice surprised him. Allen didn’t know what to say.

And Kanda wasn’t just the only other one there, but Lenalee was also resting beside him and Lavi next to Kanda. Allen didn’t know what was happening. For a moment he felt like he had lost his mind because there was no way he was actually sitting in a carriage with his friends… 

_Had they tried to break him out?_ Had they gotten caught and were now on their way to be executed or something?! Why didn’t he have chains anymore? Had they broken him out and were successful? Why the hell was Kanda here?!

Kanda watched Allen’s mind race a mile a minute, finding the sight both amusing and a bit concerning. The Moyashi probably thought he’d gone mad.

Finally, Allen found the right words, whispering as not to disturb those around him, a complete contrast to how he felt inside. “What the heck-” He started to say but chanced a look out the window and his eyes widened further and he stood up, realizing how far they’d traveled already. _No way…!_

“Oi Moyashi, you good?”

He needed to get a better look and he pushed the window out and shoved it open, sticking his head out the window in shock.

“Oh my god..” They were on a carriage, passing down a gravel path lined with tall, dark pine trees that seemed to stretch on forever both ways. The Order was nowhere in sight and sitting up front steering the horse was none other than Komui and Johnny. 

“Fuck fuck fuck- wha- what the hell?!” He mumbled to himself still trying to figure out if this was all just one big fever dream or if it was actually happening. The cold wind outside hit his face and he took a deep breath, blocking out Kanda trying to get his attention behind him as he tried to gain his bearings before pulling his head back into the carriage.

“Moyashi?”

Allen sat down once again before getting his thoughts in order. “Did-did you guys seriously… break me out?” He whisper-yelled, still trying to be considerate in this crazy situation as he addressed Kanda.

“Yeah, so what? Why are you freaking out so much?” Kanda’s nonchalance and laid back demeanor made Allen feel insane. He almost wanted to facepalm himself. This situation… it was bad. It was very, very bad. 

“Are you crazy?!” His voice came out louder now, unable to remain composed any longer. “What were you thinking!? This is a terrible, terrible, _terrible_ idea! Kanda! I thought you were free! You can’t be here, none of you can be here... you need to go back!”

Kanda scoffed, having anticipated a reaction like this he was eager to protest, and by now Allen’s racket had aroused both Lavi and Lenalee who were surprised to see Allen awake.

“Allen? No way is that you?!” Lavi also seemed to not sense the energy in the room as he reached out to hug Allen who was as stiff as a board.

“Allen, how are you feeling?” Lenalee cooed beside him, while also making sure Lavi didn’t mess up any of Allen’s wounds. “Are you in any pain? Do your injuries feel okay?”

“L-Lavi! Lenalee… I-I’m fine please.” He tried to get them off, still trying to focus on telling them off for being so reckless as to break him out. It was a stupid plan and they would be in danger if they continued to align themselves with him. “You guys... You shouldn’t have done anything. It-It isn’t safe. You need to go back..”

“..Allen?”

“Dude, what are you even saying right now? Why would we go back?”

“Yeah fat fucking chance, Moyashi. There’s no way in hell I’m ever going back to that place so nice attempt at trying to get rid of me but it’s not gonna work.” Kanda scoffed before idly glancing out the window, he wanted Allen to squirm and he was quite enjoying the barrage from Lavi and Lenalee. Even though it was nighttime, the stars up above were annoyingly bright so Kanda reached over to close the window that the Moyashi had left open during his little panic attack.

“Allen,” Lenalee spoke up, placing a hand atop Allen’s, “we broke you out of that place because it’s corrupt. We couldn’t just stand by and let them treat you that way. Can’t you see that?” She kept her voice soft, trying to be reassuring and show Allen that everything would be okay and that it was important that they continue to stay by his side instead of allowing him to push them away.

“But Lenalee-” Allen tried to protest but Lavi cut him off.

“Allen, just relax! You don’t have to be trapped in that place anymore so calm down. We’re renegades now! No more Black Order!”

“Lavi I-” He tried again, feeling breathless, but was once again interrupted.

“Oi just shut up, Moyashi. You were so much more tolerable when you were unconscious… Actually that gives me an idea, come here for a moment.” He reached for Mugen and Allen felt a shiver go up his spine, a retort quick on his tongue as he wanted nothing less than to be trapped in his own head again. “No! No way, Kanda! I’m perfectly tolerable and sane just give me a second! Geez, this is a lot to process okay?” 

“Take your time, Allen. I know it was all probably very sudden.”

Allen nodded, feeling very grateful for people like Lenalee in times like this.

Right now though, he had to be rational. As the situation presented itself, Allen’s friends, accompanied by Johnny and Komui, had somehow broken into the Order’s prison, freed him, and they were now on the run from the entirety of the Order, the Noah, and no doubt Apocryphos too. Allen felt like his head was going to explode. _Did the others even know about Apocryphos?_

Currently, Allen didn’t have a lot of options. If he tried to run off now, then his friends would be put in more danger recklessly chasing after him and that probably wouldn’t end well for either of them. He also couldn’t go back toward the Order under any circumstances since Apocryphos and Lvellie’s men were no doubt hot on their trail as well. So now Allen was stuck facing the reality of the situation. The safest option was to just stay here for now and pretend to just go along with what his friends had planned. But the moment they decided to stop somewhere, he’d use that as his chance to escape. It was better if he went through this alone and even if his friends didn’t see that now, they’d soon realize it would be for the best if they just forgot about him. He didn’t need to drag innocent people down with him and put them in danger. He didn’t want the guilt to weigh on his conscience if his friends ended up casting away their identity as exorcists just because of him. 

Gah.. sometimes he wondered how different things would’ve been if he’d never joined the Order… or if he’d never met Mana… or if he’d never awakened his Innocence... _Would things have been better?_

Allen looked down at Timcanpy for comfort before speaking. “Okay, okay..I’m calm now.” 

“Okay.” Lenalee parroted, smiling reassuringly and Allen mirrored her, putting on the smile he was so used to wearing every day at the Order. He had to show them he was compliant.

“Sorry, I kind of freaked out earlier, hah.” He scratched the back of his neck before continuing. “It was a bit surprising though. I never would’ve thought that something like this would happen, but I am grateful. Still, you do have to understand my side. Though I’m glad to be out of that place, it still feels like the wrong choice. You’ll be in more danger now. Don’t you know that I’m an unlucky person?”

“..The Order was falling apart, Allen.” Lenalee looked serious, not taking her eyes off of him as she spoke. “It was becoming less and less safe every day that Lvellie remained there. We couldn’t just continue on as if everything was normal when it wasn’t.. and the way they had been treating you… that was what was wrong. Freeing you was the right and only choice.”

“And I’m grateful for that, really, but I can’t help but worry about your sakes now that you’ve left the Order.”

“Don’t be selfish it wasn’t all because of you.” Lavi stuck out his tongue cheekily. “I’ve always thought about what I wanted to do with my life. If being a Bookman was really something I saw myself doing well at. After all that time, I found myself to be a bit lousy at the impartial part. What can I say, I can’t just forget about friends I’ve met so easily and that includes you. So don’t think of it as you endangering us, but as us choosing to help you.” 

“Lavi..”

“Seriously, dude! Everything’s going to be okay. We’re gonna figure this all out so stop apologizing and worrying about all of that!” 

Allen wanted to believe their words, he really did, yet he couldn’t.. not completely. There was always going to be a part of him that felt guilty for coming into his friend’s lives. If he’d never had shown up to the Order in the first place, then they would be able to live normally. They wouldn’t have to feel pressured to side with him since they’re friends. The only thing Allen wished was that they could live peaceful lives. Lately, he’d started to find his own path in life to be something inevitable. Though he wanted to be strong, parts of him were less hopeful about ever being able to break free from Neah. He suspected his fate was already set in stone and one day Neah would take over him completely and when that day came, he didn’t want his friends to have to witness it.

When Allen took to long to reply, Kanda filled the silence. “We’ve been traveling for a while but we won’t reach a town for a good couple of miles. If you’re still so dead set on trying to run away, then we’ll convince you otherwise once we find a place to stay. So in the meantime,” He pointed Mugen at Allen’s throat surprisingly the white-haired boy as he backed into the wall, “keep your mouth shut and stay put.”

“Kanda!” Lenalee instantly protested the sudden treatment from the swordsman. “Is that really necessary!?” 

“Yes.” Kanda was serious, not wavering as he held Mugen firm to Allen’s throat. “Until I hear the Moyashi admit that he won’t run away, then I’ll let up.”

“Kanda..” 

“No, it’s fine,” Allen spoke up, not fearing Mugen in the slightest. The sword had pierced him once before so he was no stranger to its presence against him. “If that’s what you need to hear, then I promise I won’t run off.”

“You better not be lying.” Kanda pushed before pulling Mugen away and placing it back within the holster at his side.

Allen felt a headache coming on.

After that was settled, his friends went back to normal, idly talking amongst themselves as they rode across Japan. Even though it was still late at night, Allen had a feeling that they were just trying to retain some sense of normalcy in hopes that it would make Allen more inclined to lean on them instead of pushing them away. If they acted as if they weren’t really on the run and instead were just a group of friends going off on a mission, then it would be easier for Allen to accept their help and finally be open with them. He supposed it was nice that they were trying their best, and he did feel guilty for never telling them much about his personal life after all this time, but even he hated reflecting on his past. Most of it was no good anyway and he didn’t feel like his friends needed to know about any of that-- at least not yet. One day.. maybe he’d finally tell them, but not today.

So as they waited for the sun to rise, they talked to pass the time. Allen still needed to get his priorities in order, choosing to look out the window instead of talk. It was better to just focus on his surroundings and figure out a game plan rather than carrying on as if they weren’t still in danger. And since he’d been unconscious before, he had no idea where they were even headed or how far from the Order they actually were. It seemed like they’d gone a fair distance since he didn’t recognize the land at all. 

He was also still a bit shocked that his friends had even managed to break him out in the first considering all of the barriers they had in place to ensure that he remained confined within its walls. He wondered if Timcanpy played a part in any of that. 

He also had a feeling that no matter what, from this point onward, there would always be someone chasing after him, whether it be CROW, the Noah, Apocryphos, or other exorcists. No matter how far he ran, he doubted he could ever truly be free. As long as he remained on this Earth, he would continue to be followed.

Allen rubbed a hand against his wrists subconsciously, glad to be free of those dreadful cuffs that had restricted him for so long. In addition to his newly freed wrists, his ankles also felt a lot better. He touched his neck to find that in place if that collar, he could feel bandages wrapped around all the cuts and bruises. Looking down he also felt some bandages beneath his shirt to cover the wounds on his chest inflicted by those CROW. He made a mental note to thank Lenalee later.

Suddenly his stomach turned messily at a rough movement from the carriage, though he hid any signs of discomfort behind a plain expression. _Dark matter_.. he thought, suppressing a groan. The liquid sunk to the pit of his stomach and lingered in his bloodstream trying to mix together with his body’s natural chemicals and failing. It always made him feel sick knowing such a substance was trying to contaminate his body and it was always especially bad whenever Neah tried to take over. Even when Neah failed, the residue would remain in his body until he properly dispelled it, and it always left a sick feeling in his stomach afterward.

Allen hoped they’d stop to rest somewhere soon so he could get rid of this awful feeling, and the intoxicating moon shining down from above wasn’t making matters easier either. He always hated the way the open moonlight made him feel. Even before Neah’s presence, the moon had always taunted him. It reminded him of the Earl and made him feel trapped, constantly on surveillance by him and all of the Akuma.

Allen was always being watched.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s part two, sorry it took forever and sorry for any typos. This. Chapter. Is. So. Loonngggg. I also decided to split this into 3 parts instead of 2 for the sake of my sanity! 
> 
> As I said before this is just a little intro piece that I couldn’t get out of my brain. I hope to visit it eventually to expand further on the story with their little life as renegades, but for the moment I want to focus on my current fics before starting a whole new one lol. If you enjoyed this concept though, then lemme know what you think and feel free to check out my other dgm stories because I simply can’t stop writing prompts for these characters I love them so much!!! I seriously just circle through different fandoms that I obsess over for like a month before getting back into dgm again cause it’s the OG and I just love all the characters and the concept so much!!!! Hoshino senpai, I’m a slave to you.


	3. The Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen has a situation.

**iii**

**The Situation**

They had been traveling for a good while, even taking some time to stop on the side of the road for a moment to give the horses a break and switch off drivers, and soon enough the early signs of daybreak were making their way across the sky. The moon had begun to set behind the trees and the sun was slowly rising, turning the once dark sky into a canvas of pale yellows and blues.

Now that they were a good distance away, they had to tackle other issues that they hadn’t planned out when they decided to break out Allen and leave everything behind, and that was the issue of food.

Not only had they not packed a single thing to eat, but they also hadn’t thought to bring much water either. 

Allen in particular hadn’t eaten in so long that he didn’t even feel hungry anymore. This, of course, didn’t feel like a good sign since he was almost always hungry, but now that he was no longer within the Order’s walls, he didn’t have to abstain from eating any more. As long as he was the one to buy and prepare his food, then everything would be fine. 

But even though his stomach felt empty, he didn’t have the same urges as before to mindlessly scarf down immeasurable amounts of food whenever he had the chance. He still had his Innocence, though, so it made him wonder what had changed. Had his Innocence evolved to the point where he didn’t need food to sustain its parasitic nature, or perhaps had _he_ changed. Was Neah partially to blame? At times like this Allen missed Cross just so he could have someone to share these things with and actually receive semi-coherent answers. (It depended on how much Cross had been drinking, but still, the man wouldn’t lie to him.)

And it wasn't just Allen who noticed his drive to consume boatloads of food had diminished, but Lenlaee had as well. Allen had to reassure Lenalee constantly that he felt okay and that his wounds weren’t hurting until she finally let up. Allen was still wrapping his head around the fact that they were on the run. Even though he’d planned to escape eventually, he never anticipated that his friends would end up getting dragged into this mess with him. He really needed to find the time to try and talk some sense into them... Maybe once they found somewhere to stop for the day he could properly explain why they’d all be better off keeping their distance from him.

It was better for him to travel alone. He was unpredictable now... A ticking time bomb.

The carriage, as Allen soon came to find it, served as both a blessing and a curse for him. It was good that they had some form of transportation that allowed them to travel relatively quickly, but the constant, rhythmic bumping of the wheels against the gravel road didn’t do any favors for Allen’s twisting stomach.

Before, when Neah had tried to take over him, a flood of dark matter had been pumped into his veins in order to aid the transformation. But since it was unsuccessful, he was now stuck with the after effect which took the form of a pool of dark matter that sank to the pit of his stomach and made him feel nauseous. He’d been suppressing the feeling for the most part, but after a certain point, he needed to expel it, or else it could really start to do some damage to his body. And since he really didn’t want to risk becoming a Noah in front of his comrades, he figured he had to take matters into his own hands.

When he felt his stomach flip again after they turned onto a particularly bumpy road, Allen found that he could no longer suppress the feeling of discomfort. 

“Hey, do you think we could pull over for a second?” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could think of anything better to say, and the idle conversation in the carriage came to a halt as Lenalee turned to face him curiously.

“Why do you want us to pull over? Is something wrong?”

Allen did his best to hide his obvious discomfort from his friends as he eyed the handle on the door. “Oh, no, nothing is _wrong_. I just... need to take care of something— just for a second. I promise I won’t run away or anything.” He made sure to direct that last part to Kanda.

“You saying something like that makes me think that you _are_ going to run away,” Lavi remarked cheekily but Allen was in no mood for it right now. He really just needed to expel this dark matter somehow. 

“I’m not lying.”

Lenalee, on the other hand, seemed concerned, noticing the way Allen was bouncing his leg impatiently. “Are you okay? You look a bit pale. Are your wounds bothering you again? Whatever it is, just let us know. We’re here to help.” Her tone was serious and calm, and she looked at him with kind eyes that encouraged him to open up, even though Allen would very much rather not. It was already embarrassing enough that his body was slowly being taken over by a Noah, so he’d rather them not know that a side effect to this included floods of dark matter to invade his stomach and make him feel nauseous. 

At this point, Allen was honestly considering just jumping out of the carriage himself. It was too awkward to explain to them why he wanted to stop for a second, but he just _needed_ to. He was sure he could do it too. Flip open the latch on the window like before and push it open, or maybe even just charge straight for the door and push on it until it gave way.

Still, he made one more attempt to persuade them. 

“Let’s just pull over for a second.” His stomach churned in protest and he clutched a hand against it discreetly, feeling like he wouldn't last much longer as the rhythmic bobbing of the carriage against the gravel continued. “I-It won’t take long, seriously, I just need to stop for a second... so let’s pull over!” He said the last bit loud enough for the two up front to hear, ignoring Lenalee’s comments as he waited impatiently for the carriage to still.

“Oi, why are you acting so weird, Moyashi?” Kanda leveled a complex glare at him and Allen seriously was reaching his limit. Allen liked to think he was a well-mannered person so the image of him barfing all over his friends.. well it wasn’t something that he _ever_ wanted to do. So that meant it was time for him to take drastic measures.

**(AN: heads up... vomit warning!!! skip ahead to the '*' if you'd prefer to skip that part!)**

Since it seemed like no one was listening to him, he stood suddenly, and before they could even protest, he kicked the carriage door as hard as he could as it was still in motion. He figured since they hadn’t been going that fast anyway that it would be fine for him to just pop out for a moment as the door instantly gave way and he dashed out, landing gracefully on his feet in the gravel below. The movement jumbled the contents of his stomach once again as he hurried off toward the side of the road, even sprinted a few paces away from the carriage just to keep some distance between them.

No longer paying his comrades any mind, he sprinted briskly over toward the side of the road where a thick wood of trees lined the path as he heard the neighing sound of the horses as the carriage came to a halt a few paces up the road.

Allen had a feeling his friends were going to make a big deal about this whole situation, but he just had to be quick about it and then he could return like normal. He really just didn’t want to call any attention to the matter in the first place. So, without wasting another second, he kneeled at the side of the road and shoved his fingers down his throat. It was easier this way... Doing so would ensure the fastest way for him to expel the dark matter which would just continue to slowly destroy his insides the longer he let it settle.

And sure enough, Allen was emptying his stomach on the ground, equally doing his best to be discreet about it even though he was sure his fellow ‘renegades’ back at the carriage could see everything that was happening as they had all gathered outside the carriage. 

Allen hated feeling like a spectacle. This whole situation made Allen feel terrible enough already and he figured whatever syringe he had been injected with days before by Lvielle’s men was also being rejected by his body. 

Even though it was embarrassing to be so indecent in front of his friends, it needed to be done. If he had waited any longer to rid the waste in his stomach, it could’ve made things much worse along the road and he part of him never wanted to find out consequences it could’ve caused.

When he was finished, Allen discretely wiped his mouth with his hand, dusted off his pants which had gotten covered in dirt from where he’d been kneeling, and proceeded to walk back toward the carriage as if nothing out of the ordinary had even occurred. Walking casually past his friends, he slid back into his seat, feeling significantly lighter than before, as he did his best to ignore the scattered looks from his friends as they remained outside, unsure what to do. 

*****

Even Tim hesitated to find its way back within the comfort of Allen’s hair again, and instead fluttered over to rest within his hands were placed atop his lap. Allen stroked the golem’s smooth exterior as he awaited the expected onslaught of questions from his companions as they made their way back inside.

And since Lavi was never subtle, he was the first to comment. “Jesus dude..” Lavi remarked, eyes still a bit wide as he slid into a seat, unsure of what to say in order to help diffuse the weird air in the carriage now.

“We can go now. Sorry for the delay.” Allen acted naturally, hitting at the side of the carriage to show Komui and Johnny that they could start the horses up again. “Staying still won’t do us any good.” He still felt uncomfortable even after getting rid of all the pesky dark matter and he just wanted them to reach a far enough town so he could set everyone down and talk some sense into them. 

Clearly his friends weren’t processing fast enough, and Allen had a feeling that they probably had even more questions now, which was precisely why he wanted to remain composed in their presence and show them that he could handle things and that there was nothing for them to worry about. This way they could see that he was capable of fighting this alone and they’d return to the Order where they could get their titles as Exorcists restored and be safe from him, the Noah, and Apocryphos, or go elsewhere and start a new life. The world was the oyster and he wanted them to be safe. They just had to come to understand that Allen wasn’t part of their equation. 

Allen still felt eyes on him as the carriage took off once again and he discretely wiped the corner of his mouth with his sleeve just to be sure he didn’t have anything on his face or something. He also figured he’d need to address what they’d seen sooner than later since they seemed to be waiting for an explanation. For now, though, he’d just play dumb.

He sighed before putting on a fake smile like he used to do so much. “What’s up with you guys? You’re acting weird.”

“...Allen.” Lenalee seemed like she was trying to find the right words, but Allen didn’t think it was that hard to understand. So what if he had to expel dark matter sometimes? It’s not like it happened a lot... only when the freaking Noah living in his mind tried to take over his body, and after today, Allen was dead set on never giving him another chance to try it again.

“Yes, Lenalee?”

Lavi spoke instead. “Dude! Why didn’t you just say you felt sick? You honestly didn’t have to jump out like that, but I gotta say I respect the dedication, and hey-- you didn’t run away!” Lavi supplied hopefully and even Allen felt a bit relieved that he wasn’t making an awkward situation even worse. The redhead even reached over in his seat to give him a high five which Allen was more than happy to return.

Lenalee on the other hand didn’t seem to want to breeze over the situation so easily. “Allen.” She tried again, having gotten her thoughts in order as she faced the youngest of the group. “I know it must be hard for you having to... you know... but that’s why I think in order to help you, you should tell us everything that’s bothering you. That way we can understand the situation better, but of course, only say what you're comfortable with sharing right now... But please Allen, just give us _something_ so we can help... “ She shifted in her seat a bit before continuing in a softer voice. “You know we tried to visit you when they had you.. locked up.” Allen could tell that talking about stuff like this made Lenalee sad and he felt bad for being the cause of it. “But they wouldn’t allow it... Honestly Allen, we just want to make sure you’re okay.” 

Allen bit back the reflex to say ‘I’m not’ but the other part of him, the compassionate part that always put on a brave face, wanted to reassure her that he was fine and that she didn’t have to worry about him. Instead, he decided to just be honest. He’d tell them some things but would filter out a lot of the truth in order to keep them satisfied without letting them know too much. He couldn’t help it that he was lousy at trusting people with his true feelings and secrets. He had to learn at a young age never to trust anyone but yourself, and maybe part of him still held on to that outlook.

“Lenalee it’s--”

“And don’t just say it’s nothing.” He was cut off by none other than Kanda and Allen sighed before smiling like he used to. 

_Fine_. He’d answer her questions and concerns, but he’d still be very vague about it. 

“Oh, _that_... That happens sometimes. It’s no big deal.” He tried to brush it off. The topic really didn’t need to be discussed so extensively. Really, he was fine now.

“Moyashi...What the hell.” Kanda scoffed, crossing his arms in annoyance, frankly finding this whole situation to be too dramatic anyway.

“What? It’s not like it’s a constant occurrence or anything.. It’s only when Neah ta- ah I mean..” He shook his head deciding not to mention Neah for now, choosing to approach the situation in a more casual way than being so serious all the time. “Look, it was just sitting in my stomach that whole time and I needed to expel it. Would you have preferred I just not say anything and let it sit there forever? Honestly, it's not that big of a deal and I would prefer it if you just forget what you saw. It’s just better that when something like that happens, that I take care of it sooner rather than later..”

Lenalee still needed more. “By _‘it’_ do you mean-?”

“Dark matter, yes.” Allen wrangled his fingers in his hands awkwardly. He hated how similar he was becoming to the Noah and having to say these things out loud only cemented the fact in his brain that Allen wasn’t all human. Innocence had hurt him.

“Look..I’m sorry,” Allen added, feeling like he was being too harsh on his friends when they just wanted to (foolishly) help him. “I know I should’ve keyed you all in sooner, but I just don’t enjoy discussing these things. I promise I’ll let you know when this happens next time.”

“It’s okay.” Lenalee smiled her usual reassuring smile that always made Allen feel a little better. “We understand that it’ll take you a while to fully trust us, but I hope we can prove to you that we have your back.”

“That’s right!” Lavi chimed in, supplying a thumbs up and a large grin to further defuse any of the awkward air left hanging in the carriage from before. “We’re Team Allen all the way, right Kanda?”

Kanda rolled his eyes and grunted in annoyance, wanting virtually nothing to do with this conversation. “Whatever..”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still here!!! lol.. sorry for the wait. Hopefully this turned out alright. I decided to split this into 4 chapters now because I felt bad that I hadn’t uploaded in a while and wanted to give yall something. Sorry, I fandom hop a lot and lose interest in fics, but I promise I’m still here and I do wanna finish this idea eventually. :-) Also sorry for typos... I have but a simple pea brain.


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